Postpartum Depression and Anxiety: Channel Update (CC)

Hey guys! Okay, I am back after a super long time being away, and honestly there were days when I didn't know if I was ever going to be able to make videos again or continue this channel So, this video is going to be kind of awkward for me to make, but I wanted to tell you what's been going on and what's new and just jump back in, so, you may notice that some things have changed in my life, so let's just chat about it

Okay guys, so it has been almost a year since I uploaded my last video, which is absolutely insane It is 2016, and everything has changed So, what has changed since you and I last chatted? Um, pretty much everything I quit my job Jesse got a new job

We moved Had a baby She is doing great She is playing on the floor right now, looking at the cat The cats are her absolute favorite people in the universe

The cats do not return the exact same affection Last two videos I posted, I was pregnant Right after–I don't know if you can hear her, but she's just like hooting and hollering down there Hi! You're so cute! So after I posted the last video, the end of my pregnancy actually got really tough I ended up on kind of a modified bed rest

I had to stop teaching, transfer all my classes online and finish the semester online, which broke my heart because I super super super loved my classes that last semester So anyway, in and out of the hospital, all these scares, crazy stuff by the time she arrived, I was exhausted

Just, mentally, emotionally, I was anxious, afraid for her, afraid for me, so I was just weary Then, having a baby, I felt great! Wait, not The birth was really hard, but she got here She was healthy, and that was all that mattered So, we brought her home, my mom stayed with us for a bit to help me out, and the first few months were just hard

They were really really hard Like, I know everybody says having a baby is not easy, but I just had no idea it could be that hard It wasn't until a long time later that I realized I was actually suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety and that it had actually started before she got here It was hard for me to realize that I was suffering from that because I didn't feel depressed Like, I felt blissfully happy

I mean, ridiculously, sappy, crazy happy Like everything about her made me glad I could stare at her for hours and hours and hours and it wasn't enough I wasn't sad at all So, I didn't really think that I was depressed

What I was was terrified Everything scared me Everything scared me I just could imagine all these horrible things happening to her, and I felt like I have to figure out a way to prevent anything bad from happening to her, and it would keep me up all the time I couldn't sleep, even when she was asleep I couldn't sleep unless I could hear her breathing

Hi, baby girl So it was tearing me apart And I really did not know how I would ever travel again I didn't know how I would ever live again because all that I could think about were all the bad things that could happen to her, and I couldn't put her in any situation that could be remotely dangerous, which meant I couldn't do anything, like I couldn't leave the house with her I couldn't drive anywhere with her unless somebody was in the backseat watching her

Nighttime was really scary because what if she stopped breathing? I wanted to watch her all day, like if I could have not slept and just watched her constantly, 24 hours a day, to make sure she was breathing, I would have done it, absolutely hands down But I couldn't, so I did have to sleep sometime I also didn't know anybody who had postpartum depression or anxiety, and so I didn't know what it could look like I thought it meant that you were sad all the time or that you had trouble bonding with the baby, or you were crying a lot, which it just didn't seem to kind of fit my situation And it wasn't until my doctor started treating me for the depression that I started realizing how bad it had gotten and how much of a kind of trap I was in, and how much my life had sort of become a cage that I just couldn't see any way out of

Anyway, all that to say, YouTube–I couldn't even watch YouTube I didn't have time or energy to even watch a YouTube video I couldn't even imagine how I would start making them again And I had no idea if I would ever travel again, until maybe she was much older I could imagine like a time when she was, I don't know, seven years old or something, and then I would be able to do it, I don't know

But, and here's the exciting thing, I am getting treatment and am feeling much better We have moved to a new city I'm no longer working And we are taking a trip It is for Jesse's work, so that's probably the only way that I would get kind of like pushed out of my comfort zone to try this

But, we are going to Miami, which is a city we've been to, and it's not all that far It should be not too long of a plane ride But, I only have a few days to pack everything I have no idea what to pack with a baby I have no idea what I'm going to need

Like, she needs at least three changes of clothes a day here at home, so oh my gosh let's try "packing light" with a baby Ahhh! Yeah, so I have a few days to get everything ready

It's super stressful, but I'm also really excited about it I'm really hopeful This feels like a big step for me So yeah, I'm going to take you with me I'm really excited about that

I super super super appreciate you guys And I will say that whenever I did get a chance to watch YouTube, it was like my little lifeline I just absolutely loved watching your videos and in my time of not being able to travel or imagine traveling, I would live vicariously through you Two YouTubers that I just fell in love with over this time, Sarah Wheelee and Because We Camp, I just had so much fun watching their videos and just kind of living vicariously through them They just seem like super funny, fabulous people

So, thank you for being awesome And I hope this goes well And if it doesn't, I hope that it's at least funny All right, I guess I will see you in Miami Do you want to say bye bye? I love you, yes I do

Oh, PS: so, postpartum depression and anxiety suck big time, but being a mom is the best thing I've ever done, hands down And I wouldn't trade a single second of it I wouldn't trade the worst daysorry I'm just really happy that she's here Love you

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